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Gholombezom

....bezombezombezom

Angel of the lord

(allegedly)

Overview

Many people wonder, how will The Lord know when the moment or hour of the end times is upon us? Well, there are Angels among us, keeping track of the conditions pre-requisite to the end times. The angels report on these conditions. When the level of sin has reached a certain level, then Boom, it's time for the Trumpet to blow, and the end to come.

At least that's what Mr. Gholombezom says. He also claims to be one of those afore-mentioned Angels. Actually, all this is put together from his occasional ramblings on the topic. (Yes, there is some speculation that Gholombezom is actually a human, but there are tests that he claims to have passed that prove he's an Angel...)

As Gholombezom says, keeping track requires perspective. The wicked generation must be more wicked than the generation at the time of Jesus. If they are on par with the generation at the time of Jonah, then they are not wicked enough. So, you see, Gholombezom studies literature and statistics to incorporate historical perspective into his assessment of evil.

He spends a lot of time graphing levels of evil, economic productivity, population, mini-skirt hemlines and a few other factors over time. Note that these graphs are hard to plot with any accuracy, and Mr. Gholombezom's stats aren't very well organized. So it's very speculative.

Also, he draws these graphs on paper recycled from the waste paper baskets of strangers. Mostly from the faculty of biology departments. These papers come to him already filled with graphs and drawings of single-celled organisms on one side. This confuses Gholombezom and he often loses track of what he's writing. But he refuses to use new paper. And he never throws any of the papers out. As a result, there are piles and piles of crudely drawn graphs on paper of all sizes and textures collecting dust mixed in with his collection of antique, foot powered sewing machines (don't ask.)

Sometimes, (he says) when determining the level of wickedness in the world, Angels go on instinct and off the fume of human passions. But every time they do this and blow a premature trumpet (As described in his own autobiographical story of his cherub-hood, "The Cherub who cried Apocalypse!", God sends them back with a stern lecture. Just the facts, Angels. Just the facts.

The Ajaban L'Helmellah Factor affects Mr. Gholombezom's work and frankly, frustrates him. Isn't God's Patience Amazing? Many times, Mr. Gholombezom has been shocked by human activities. But then he gets even more shocked by God's legendary patience. His patience is bigger than your patience. It's certainly bigger than Gholombezom's. (Although what Gholombezom lacks in patience, he makes up for in inertia, which some people mistake for patience, but it's not the same. Not remotely.)

Gholombezom (from the couch, in a state of inertial stupor) cries out "God Destroy everyone already"! But God does not. Then he cries out, "Let the evil destroy themselves!" But they do not. They just seem to thrive and cause a lot of collateral damage. So Mr. Gholombezom turns on the satellite TV and watches runway models and Arab music videos and plays the stock market. Then he tries to con someone into getting him another glass of tea.

Gholombezom FAQ (Just the FAQs. No answers yet.)

  • Who is Gholombezom?
  • What does his name mean?
  • Is he really an Angel of the Lord?
  • Why does he look like a middle-aged man and bother his neighbors?
  • What "tests" has he passed that prove he's an Angel?
  • Why does he wander around red-light districts?
  • What is "A Monitoring Function?"
  • What is "Assessment"?
  • Why does he like to say "Assessment" so much?
  • Why does he pronounce it "ASSSS-essment?"
  • What happened to Jesus' Ass?
  • What are his (other) duties as an Angel of the Lord?
  • How can you tell if you're an Angel of the Lord?
  • What does it mean to be deputized as an Angel?
  • Can I get deputized as an Angel of the Lord?
  • If I am deputized as an angel, can I walk around the red light district?
  • Can I contact Gholombezom? (No! He's been getting a lot of junk mail lately. He doesn't like spam and will appeal to the Lord for extra punishment for spammers in the 8th level of hell. In the meantime, if you want you can use the website contact page and we will forward your message).

Favorite Quotes:

  • "On the eighth day, God got bored and turned off the television." (and the congregation says "This was the end of the world. Amen.")
  • (Said while looking into the mirror) "God made man in his own image!" (And here he sucks in his gut and gets a scowlingly serious expression on his face like he's trying to look impressive and imposing - except you just wonder how a chinless face could look so monstrous) "So this is what God looks like. Because if this is the image then what's in the mirror must be the original!" To which Zemzem says "I don't think that's how mirrors work." And then, "I thought you said you were an angel." And Gholombezom deflates, unfurling his big belly - it seemed such a strain to hold it in. "Yes." He says. And then points to her image in the mirror. "You see! There it is. In his own image."

Coming Soon:

  • A picture of Gholombezom!
  • Gholombezom reciting "The Greatest of these is Love" and "Zendegy yaany hayahoo"
  • The story of Jamshied and Zemzem and the message to Mr. Gholombezom
  • A Children's book: The Cherub Who Cried "Apocalypse!"
  • How to get a giant concave Mirror so that you can look like Gholombezom.
  • Rare footage of Mr. Gholombezom barking at children.

 

We're out interviewing the alleged angel. We'll complete this section when we get back!


 


 

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